Relationships: Your Most Important Relationship Is The One You Have With Yourself
In Episode 9 of The Business Mamas Podcast, I introduced a Framework for Enhanced Well-Being - Focus on Beliefs, Relationships & Making Heart-Guided Decisions. I've been talking about beliefs, relationships, and making heart-guided decisions and how by focusing on this framework, it's led me to live much more present in my daily life.
Today, I want to talk with you more about relationships. When we think about relationships, most of the time we think about relationships with other people, like relationships with our children, our significant others, our close friends, or our other family members.
The relationship that we oftentimes don't think about much is the relationship that we have with ourselves. It turns out that the relationship we have with ourselves impacts all of our other relationships that we have with other people.
Your most important relationship is always the relationship you have with yourself.
What are you doing to nurture it?
If you aren't filling up your cup with overflowing kindness, you won't have love and kindness to share with others. Since showing up for others with love and kindness is essential for who I want to be in my relationships, first I must show up with love and kindness for myself.
I get to choose to be my own inner coach rather than my own inner critic. Some days it's challenging to choose this, but it's always the right choice, and with practice, it gets a lot easier. If you haven't already listened to my podcast episode, “My Breakdown that Led to My Breakthrough”, that is Episode Two on The Business Mamas Podcast. In that episode, I talk about how in December of 2017, which was nearly one year into starting my own law firm, I had run myself so far into the ground that my cup was empty.
On one cool winter morning, I found myself physically on the floor of my office, unable to get up off of the floor for hours and it was a wake-up call for me. It was a wake-up call that my relationship with myself matters, taking care of me matters, and showing up with love and kindness for others, that matters to me. I know that I can't show up for others in the way I want to if I'm totally depleted.
In “My Breakdown that Led to My Breakthrough”, I take you through the morning routine that I created for myself. I also talk about how I developed better boundaries with my work, including how I stopped working on Sundays. The daily practice of my morning routine, that time that I take for myself every morning to pour into myself, to nurture myself, to start my day off with a cup that is already full, is an incredibly important practice that I have put in place. My morning routine allows me to take care of myself.
My morning routine is also an opportunity for me to continue to get to know myself. Just as we have relationships with other people and we connect with them, wanting to get to know them better to learn what's really on their hearts and what's really important to them, we need to give ourselves that space with ourselves to learn what it is that's important to us, what our heart really wants, and to reflect on what is or isn't working for us in our lives.
By setting aside that time to be with ourselves, we create space to be able to hear that wisdom, that inner knowing that each of us has within us, but that oftentimes can't be heard with so much noise going on around us. That wisdom can't be heard when we're running around from task to task and we're not giving our heart the space that it needs to speak freely to us.
Another episode on The Business Mamas Podcast that is related to my relationship with myself is, “Carve Out Time for Joy”. This is Episode Four and in this episode, I remind you of the importance of carving out time for joy. I ask you if it could be as easy as dancing a little bit every day in your kitchen. This episode is about creating the space for joy in our lives.
I ask you:
1) Do you feel like you can't truly rest until all the work is done?
2) Do you feel like you can't play until all the work is done?
3) Do you have work spinning around in your mind when you are in a place where you are not at work and you want to be fully present and you want to be engaged?
4) What kind of activities help you sink into the present moment and really feel your joy?
When I asked myself these questions, dancing was the answer that came through loud and clear for me. I feel my joy when I'm dancing and I feel present and it's really easy for me to just enjoy being in my body, feeling the music, and dancing to the music.
If I love to dance, if I feel present when I'm dancing, if it’s really easy for me to be present and joyful when I'm dancing, then, why am I not dancing more often?
It's been some time now since I originally wrote the article “Carve Out Time for Joy” and since I shared this message on The Business Mamas Podcast. I am happy to be able to tell you that I dance so much more now than I did at the time when I originally wrote the article. By writing that article and then again by creating a podcast episode about that article, I took the time to really reflect and internalize that dancing brings me so much joy. I brought the consciousness to myself to say, okay, then do something about it. If dancing makes you happy and you are happy and joyful when you're dancing, then you need to do it more often!
I have been dancing a lot! Our family dance parties during the COVID-19 shutdown were a bright spot in a difficult time. It was a bright spot for all four of us: myself, my husband, and my two sons. Just getting to know that each one of us gets to choose a song to dance to for the family dance party and that it's going to be a four-song dance party that we get to rock out to together to has been so special and joy-creating. It's a beautiful part of my life.
By doing more of what brings me joy, in this case, dancing, I am naturally happier and healthier. That energy pours over the edges of my already filled cup and I share that happy and healthy energy with the other people that I am in a relationship with. Everyone wins when we do more of what makes us happy!
Another way that I cultivate my relationship with myself is by being in solitude. Webster defines solitude as “a state or situation in which you are alone, usually because you want to be”. For me, solitude is allowing the cultivation of a peaceful connection to myself. Webster defines lonely as “sad from being apart from other people”.
How is solitude different from being lonely?
While loneliness is a feeling that you develop when you are longing for greater human connection, solitude is a feeling of peaceful connection to yourself.
I am a full believer in the power of cultivating solitude.
Allowing the silence to be with yourself is a brave act.
Are you bravely practicing cultivating solitude and listening to the truths that emerge from this practice?
You may naturally resist cultivating solitude. For many years, I had no interest in cultivating solitude. First, I didn't see the value in it. I very much identified as a doer and the idea of spending time with myself doing nothing seemed like a waste of my most precious resource, time.
Once I started practicing cultivating solitude, I realized that I was also resisting because when I got still enough, my intuition would speak to me. I would get direction from my inner knowing and receive answers to questions I didn't even know I was asking. I would receive clear guidance about what to do next. Have you experienced this in your life?
Getting this soul wisdom felt like a burden when I didn't feel brave enough to act on it. Why should you cultivate solitude despite feeling resistance that may be coming up for you?
The same reason I resisted practicing cultivating solitude is the same reason why I choose to practice it now. I get clear answers from myself about my heart calling and about big decisions I need to make in my life. Listening to the wise messages from myself is itself an act of bravery. When you aren't ready to make big brave moves in your life, it's easier to not listen to your intuition. Once you start really listening to your intuition, you'll feel called to take brave action.
The main ways I've practiced cultivating solitude in my life are by meditating, doing yoga, writing, and going to retreats.
Meditation
I now practice meditation daily and most mornings I do at least 10 minutes a day. I occasionally do shorter meditations, but 10 minutes is pretty common for me in my current morning routine. I've come to use meditation to calm myself and to center myself.
I do find the practice of breathing and observing my thoughts as they enter into my mind and then breathing and observing as they leave my mind to be a really freeing practice that I engage in.
I know that during my life outside of meditation when situations arise that may be complicated or could sometimes elicit a stress response from me, that, because I am practiced at meditation, in those situations I can also observe myself and it really helps me stay centered and calm through turbulence, which then enables me to respond in an optimal way rather than in a way that's not an expression of my highest and best self.
I'm very grateful to meditation for what it has given me and I look forward to the journey that I am still on, as I really do still consider myself a beginner at meditation and I know there's so much more for me to learn.
Yoga
Another way that I practice cultivating solitude in my life is by doing yoga. When I was in law school, going to yoga class was my one regular weekly treat. In some yoga classes, I jumped right into having a present mind and released myself from the pressures outside of the yoga class for a full hour.
In other classes, it seemed like I was struggling most of the class, trying to get out of my busy mind and into my physical body.
I know that I improved at cultivating peaceful solitude as I practiced more. It's been several years now since I had a regular yoga practice, but it's something that helped me greatly when I was in law school. Maybe when my kids are older, I might join a yoga studio again. There was something really special about being in my own solitude but being surrounded by others who were also creating their own peaceful solitude as well. It was a really sweet energy.
Writing
Another way that I cultivate solitude and nourish the relationship I have with myself is through writing. My writing has a certain ebb and flow to it. I definitely have had times in my life where I set aside a few dedicated hours one day a week for writing. I have had other times in my life where I gave myself time for writing as part of my daily morning routine. I have gone through other times where I've felt like I didn't want to write at all. I wanted a break from writing, and I gave myself that break. My relationship to my writing is a fluid one. Some of the time that I used to set aside for writing has most recently transitioned into time that I'm now setting aside for my podcast.
It's an interesting transition. I'm more accustomed to writing my processing, but now I'm giving myself the opportunity to explore this new medium of podcasting as a way for me to express myself too.
Retreats
I have very much enjoyed attending retreats as a way of cultivating solitude and as a way of developing the relationship with myself. I remember that in 2018 I attended a retreat called Rootwell Women’s Retreat. Much of the retreat was spent in silence. I actually didn't know that going into it. I'm not sure that I would have attended had I known, but I'm so glad that I did. At this retreat, I spent time moving my body with an intention of resourcing my body, heart, mind and spirit. I also spent time sitting on beautiful land and sitting on a rock like a lizard, just soaking in the sunshine.
I obtained clarity about choices I needed to make in my life about business and home life balance. I also had poetry just bubbling up inside of me. That was my first experience writing poetry.
After another retreat I attended in late 2019, I challenged myself to be in solitude on my three-hour drive home from the retreat. I didn't turn on any podcasts. I didn't turn on any audiobooks. I didn't listen to music and I didn't have any other input or entertainment. I was just with myself for three hours on this drive.
I had been on the fence before the retreat about a hiring decision. I was having trouble figuring out what role I was hiring for in my law firm. On that drive home, I obtained clarity about what scope of skills I wanted my next hire to have. The clarity allowed me to then move forward with the decision and that was something that had been pending for a long time for me before spending this time in solitude.
So for me, cultivating solitude is an act of discipline. I still resist it and I still find it challenging. I feel like I'm still very much a beginner at this practice, but in the times that I've practiced it, I've had really profound gains in my feeling of wellness and in obtaining clarity of purpose for the next steps that I need to take in my business and in my personal life.
My call to action for you is this:
1) Have you created a morning routine?
If you can use some support with that, please listen or re-listen to Episode Two, “My Breakdown that Led to My Breakthrough” where I walk you through how to create that morning routine.
2) Are you carving out time for joy for yourself?
If you can use some support with that, please listen or re-listen to Episode Four, “Carve Out Time for Joy”.
3) Are you setting aside time to cultivate solitude and giving yourself space to hear your own intuition speaking to you? When in your day can you carve out time to practice cultivating solitude?
Remember, investing in this relationship with yourself will not only help you feel happier and healthier, but you'll be showing up as the most loving and kind version of you for all the other relationships that matter most to you too.
If you enjoyed Episode 15 and this blog post, I would love it if you shared it with someone you think could benefit from it. I would also be incredibly grateful if you could leave an honest rating and review of The Business Mamas Podcast on Apple iTunes as that helps more people find the show and it helps me in sharing this message of practicing self-love and self-care with more people whose lives I know could be enriched by hearing it. Sign up to download my Morning Routine Guide and receive my email newsletter at The Business Mamas Podcast. Until next time and with gratitude, Kara Stein-Conaway, @karasteinconaway on Instagram.
