Overcoming Criticism From Those In The Cheap Seats - Stepping Into the Arena
In Episode 9 of The Business Mamas Podcast, I introduced a Framework for Enhanced Well-Being - Focus on Beliefs, Relationships & Making Heart-Guided Decisions. Here and in Episode 13, we are focusing on beliefs and specifically, I want to talk with you about the incredibly important belief of knowing that you do not have to let criticism stop you. I will teach you how to not sweat the criticism from the cheap seats, so that you learn to only care about feedback from those who are in the arena. I'm going to share with you a powerful quote from Theodore Roosevelt.
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
Brené Brown, inspired by that quote by Theodore Roosevelt has said, if you're not in the arena, also getting your ass kicked, I'm not interested in your feedback. Brené Brown goes on to explain that it's very easy to criticize from the cheap seats.
What does this mean?
Right now we are living in an age of incredible ease of communication. We not only have podcasts, emails, text messages, and phone calls. Beyond that, we have social media which now is allowing us to communicate out into the interwebs, and for many many people to receive those communications and then to share their communications back to us.
There is this flood and ease of communication. It's a beautiful opportunity for using your voice and sharing your message. It's also a real opportunity for people who just like to criticize others and to put other people down to do that as well.
The main lesson I take from this Theodore Roosevelt quote is that I get to make the choice not to listen to what people say from the cheap seats. There are plenty of people who will just naysay what everyone else is doing all the time. Those people actually aren't doing a whole heck of a lot for themselves. How could they be? We only have a certain amount of time and a certain amount of energy. People who use their precious time and precious energy on this planet going around saying mean things to or about others, trying to tear other people lower, can't be in the arena. They can’t be doing much of anything because they're just wasting so much time.
If you are a person who feels called to be in the arena, to which Theodore Roosevelt and Brené Brown refer, to share something of yourself, something that feels true for you and valuable for you and for which you think that your unique perspective could actually help another human, then I hope that you will go for it! Share your voice, practice bravery, and know that there will be criticisms from the cheap seats but you don't have to give that your energy. You don't have to take that into your heart. You can select who you are going to care about feedback from.
In one of Brené Brown’s books, she talks about “marble jar friends” as being the really, really close friends, the ones you really trust. You don't need to have a whole bunch of people that fall into that category. As long as you have a handful of dear close human beings, whether friends or family members or some combination of the two, of people that you know are in your corner, want the best for you, care deeply about you, and are going to be honest with you, those are the people whose feedback you choose to listen to. Those are the people who will tell you the truth, and they will always be coming from a place of love because they love you. You can lean on them when you need feedback. You can ask them something important and know that you're going to get an honest answer from someone who cares about you.
I'm going to give you a call to action or practice that you can take forward with you while you are working on this belief system of letting go of the criticism from the cheap seats.
1) Take a deep breath.
2) Tell yourself “I am enough and that I don't care about feedback from people in the cheap seats.”
3) It works to just verbalize it and repetition helps too. So, then repeat: “I don't care about criticism from people in the cheap seats.”
That might sound too simple, but it really does help. I know from personal experience and I remind myself that it’s okay if they want to say mean things about me. If I'm having trouble shaking it off, then I'm going to get support from someone in my trusted circle, someone who has built up trust with me over time and that I know I can go to for an honest conversation and one that is based in love.
I don't have people in my life that I choose to spend time with on a regular basis that are just criticizing me from the cheap seats. I think that if they won't stop behaving in a way that is harmful, then that's not someone that I want to spend time with. I don’t spend time with people who behave in that way.
Now, I know that some relationships are more complicated than others. I think this is probably much easier to apply in a friendship-type context where for example you've been friends with someone for a while, but you recognize that they're throwing cheap seat criticism at you. I think it depends on how much you value the relationship and if there are other things about the relationship that are really valuable, then it may very well be worth having an open and honest conversation before deciding to walk away.
But if I am meeting new people and I see this type of behavior either in criticizing me or in criticizing other people, if I hear a person who's talking badly about someone else, a red flag raises in my mind. That flag waves a banner that says “oh, well that doesn't look like someone I want to spend time with.”
By choosing to surround ourselves with people who don't try to somehow get their own self-esteem built up by criticizing other people and instead by choosing to spend our precious time with people who are uplifted by uplifting others, we are hugely benefited. We are benefited because we don't have to deal with as much of the cheap seat criticism as before. Also, being in that energy of hope, possibility, and the energy of we are here rising together is a magical place to be.
That is the energy that I love to live in. I'm drawn to spend more time with people that share that same energy. I think as you make decisions to protect your own energy and time more and you start spending more time with people who are uplifting to you, who are encouraging, kind, and are in that type of energy, it will become easier and easier for you to not sweat the criticism from the cheap seats and to know that the criticism from the cheap seats is not going to derail you.
If you enjoyed Episode 13 and this blog post, I would love it if you shared it with someone you think could benefit from it. I would also be incredibly grateful if you could leave an honest rating and review of The Business Mamas Podcast on Apple iTunes as that helps more people find the show and it helps me in sharing this message of practicing self-love and self-care with more people whose lives I know could be enriched by hearing it. Sign up to download my Morning Routine Guide and receive my bi-weekly newsletter at The Business Mamas Podcast. Until next time and with gratitude, Kara Stein-Conaway, @karasteinconaway on Instagram.
