Saying Yes to Your Heart’s Desires— Even When You Cannot Justify Them With Logic

As I write this, I’m having a “pinch me” moment. I’m flying from Sydney, Australia, to Cairns, Australia, to visit the Great Barrier Reef. On my left, my three-year-old son Cameron is snuggled up, sleeping soundly and resting his sleepy head on my left thigh. On my right, my seven-year-old son Jackson is snuggled up, sleeping soundly and resting his sleepy head on my right thigh. Their dad (my husband), Jason, is also napping in his seat across the aisle. I am on an amazing adventure with my husband and my sons.

Having this adventure with them was a dream that I almost didn’t allow myself to turn into a reality. Several years ago, I almost allowed my fear to deter me from realizing this beautiful dream that I am now living.

Before I became a mother, I was so scared that I wouldn’t be good at it. I was scared that my career-focused nature would lead me to neglect the babies that I had not yet even conceived but that I knew I wanted.

I remember attending a retreat in 2010, where one of the activities was to participate in a trust fall. We climbed a ladder and stood on top of a platform. Before we fell backward off the platform and into the arms of the people below, we verbalized a fear that was holding us back in our lives, something that we needed to release.

For me, it was the fear that I wouldn’t be a good mother.

Where did this come from? Why was my fear of becoming a mother— and not excelling at it—so strong?

It was the type of fear that I felt in my throat but also in my heart. I worried that since I wanted to have a career and wanted to make my mark on the world through my work as a lawyer and an advocate, my future babies would suffer from neglect.

I feared that I wouldn’t give them enough of myself.

I asked myself if it was fair to bring children into the world when I knew that I didn’t plan or even aspire to be a stay-at-home mom. I had a stay-at-home mom, so I think part of my fear was that I didn’t know what having a career while being a mom would look like. I didn’t have an example for that.

I appreciate that there are many women who, like my own mom, choose to stay at home with their children as the next stage of their lives once they had children. But, that wasn’t what I wanted for myself. I didn’t want to stop my career as a lawyer. The life I envisioned for myself involved me having a career where my professional world would be constantly evolving, where I would be learning new things and facing new challenges, and where I would be continually growing.

The life I was leading as a Los Angeles County Deputy Public Defender during this time was certainly all of those things. I felt fueled and challenged by the work. It was an honor to serve the clients. New legal issues presented themselves daily. I remember in my first year of practice, after talking to jurors after a trial, feeling like I just couldn’t believe that I was lucky enough to get paid to do this work.

At the same time, and despite my palpable fears, there was something huge missing in my life. I knew that I wanted to be a mother. I wanted to hold my babies. I wanted to help them grow. I wanted to share adventures with them. I wanted to see the world through their eyes.

My career desires versus my motherhood desires were a challenge that I could not work out as an academic exercise.

This was one of the moments in my life when I channeled my bravery. I felt the fear, and I chose to do it anyway. I followed my heart instead of letting my inability to logically solve this problem stop me from pursuing something that was so clearly calling on my heart.

In 2012, two years after I fell backward for the trust fall, and four years after becoming a lawyer, I fell deeply into motherhood and into love with my first child.

On November 8, 2012, I gave birth and gave life to my precious baby, Jackson.

When I met him and Iooked into his beautiful eyes, I knew I had arrived. My heart expanded, and I felt totally at peace. The anxiety from before was no longer with me in that moment. I knew that I was exactly who he needed.

I recently reflected on how motherhood has transformed me as I snuggled my then six-year-old Jackson at bedtime on the night before his seventh birthday. I breathed him in, just as I had done on November 8, 2012, when I had met him for the first time.

Seven years ago, I was me, but there was a part of me that had not yet come to life. Seven years ago, I was not yet a mother. As I celebrated Jackson’s birth and as I said goodbye to my six-year-old, and hello to my seven-year old, I also honored and celebrated my own ever-expanding capacity for love.

My second son, Cameron, joined our family March 28, 2016. Every morning, he nestles his sweet little body against me for a morning snuggle. I feel his precious three-year-old chest rise and fall, and with each breath, love fills me and breathes out of me.

Recently, when I got home from work one night, dinner was over, teeth were brushed, and my big kid, Jackson, had already fallen asleep.

I don’t like to miss sharing the bedtime ritual with my children. The bedtime ritual involves me getting to hear about their days and getting to nurture them with stories and snuggles. It’s a time of re-connection and it feels sacred.

Staying organized, completing work ahead of the deadlines, and maintaining focus are some of the measures I put in place to help me avoid missing bedtime with my children. Even with all of my best planning, I sometimes miss the bedtime rituals and I sometimes arrive home after one or both of my children are already asleep.

When I arrive home from work after one or both of my children are already asleep, those fears I had from before having children resurface. I feel like I am neglecting my children. I feel like I’m not giving them enough of me. I try to ignore those feelings and distract myself from those feelings, but honestly, those are the feelings that come up for me.

So, on this particular night, after being with those feelings of inadequacy, having arrived home after Jackson was already asleep, I turned my focus to my baby, Cameron, who was awake and eager for my attention.

Cameron picked out his book and curled up next to me on the couch in his room. We read the book, and when it was done, the following conversation took place:

Cameron: “Mama, you at work all day?”

Me: “Yes.”

Cameron: “You looking at me and my pony picture at your office?”

Me: “Of course. I love the pony picture of you at my office, Cameron. I’m a lucky mama that I get to see your picture at my office and come home after work and snuggle with you, too.”

Cameron: “I’m a lucky Cameron that you’re my mama.”

Even though on this night the time I shared with Cameron at bedtime was short, it was precious and the words he spoke to me were the kindest words he could have used. I was feeling inadequate and he reminded me of something that I knew but had momentarily forgotten —I am enough.

Becoming Jackson and Cameron’s mother expanded my heart in a way that not only increases my capacity for loving my children but also increases my capacity for loving others and for loving myself.

Becoming their mother inspired me to open my own law firm, which allows me to design a work schedule so that I can be there for my clients and also be there for my children. Since becoming a mother, I have become a more compassionate human being. As a business owner, I get to create a culture of kindness and empathy for my clients that I know serves them well during difficult times in their lives.

This doesn’t mean that there won’t be some late nights at the office. There will be those nights. Knowing that I get to contribute to the world in a way that fuels my heart is also something special that I get to model for my boys. Showing them that I can be their mother and be present in their lives while also having a career that gives me purpose in a different way is important to me. I see myself as a multi-dimensional woman, and I want them to see all the possibilities that they have in their lives, too.

As I celebrate the kind and joyful human beings I am privileged to mother, I also honor and celebrate my own ever-expanding capacity for love and kindness.

Sometimes we just need to take the leap and trust that we’ll figure it out.

Imagine the beauty in the world, in ourselves and in others that is available to be awakened by following our hearts, and by taking the leap even when it cannot always be justified by logic.

Is there something calling on your heart that you can say yes to, even if you can’t justify or figure it out with logic? I challenge you to take a step toward it and see where that takes you. You can probably find a way to make it work in conjunction with your career, like I did.

I fully believe that when we are taking care of ourselves, our families, and those we love, it’s from that space that we contribute most meaningfully to the world and to the lives of our clients. It’s a win-win.

This article was originally published in the San Luis Obispo Bar Bulletin