My Breakdown That Led to My Breakthrough

Jun 20

Why I Don’t Work on Sundays or Go Without My Morning Routine

I grappled with whether I wanted to share this story with you. As lawyers, we are expected to take on extraordinary challenges and not let it show when we are struggling. I believe that the model of working ourselves into the ground as a measure of success and contribution is outdated and totally unhealthy. I am an advocate for developing a new way of relating to our work as lawyers and as human beings. I hope that by sharing this story with you, you feel empowered to develop a way of relating to your work that feels right to you.

Setting Boundaries

It was a cool winter Sunday morning in December 2017, when I kissed my one-year-old, Cameron, and four-year-old, Jackson, goodbye and headed to my office as I had done nearly every day since January 2017 when I had decided to open my own law firm. Typically, when I arrived in the early morning hours on the weekend, I was the only person in the building for at least most of the time, and I was able to tackle those more time-consuming projects without interruption.

But this morning was different. When I stepped into my office and closed the door, I was physically unable to make it to my chair or to even turn on my computer. Instead, I collapsed to the floor. I felt exhausted and I felt devastated. I wanted to be home with my sons. I knew that Cameron would be running around in that adorable way that babies run when they’ve mastered walking and their little legs can’t quite keep up with the excitement they feel about their new mobility. So, they run and tumble, run and tumble, and melt your heart with the absolute beauty of it all.

Jackson was beside himself with joy that his once-tiny baby brother who had previously just laid on the floor drooling had suddenly turned into a playmate who was interested and willing to participate in any play idea that Jackson could come up with. And I was missing it. I was missing a lot of it and I felt guilty and I felt angry. I was angry at myself because I was the one who packed up my work bag, drove to my office and left the beauty that was right before my eyes for the work challenges I was in no state to tackle.

I was 36 years old and never had experienced anything like this before. Before I had children, I would work a full day, bring my work home on the weekend and still take time to do things that nurtured me outside of work, too. Back then, time seemed more abundant.

But as I laid on my office floor this winter morning in December 2017, I realized that so much had changed for me. I still wanted to provide extraordinary care and representation to every person who trusted me with their futures. Now, I had two little boys who would not be little forever and who I wanted to spend more time with. I knew when I decided to open a law firm of my own that there would be challenges, but it took me lying emotionally paralyzed on the floor that cool Sunday morning to realize that my current path was not sustainable.

This was my breakdown that led me to my breakthrough.

I committed right then and there while I was lying on the floor that I would no longer be coming into the office on Sundays. By setting that boundary, I immediately felt a huge sense of relief.

So in 2018, I stopped working on Sundays. Sundays became a day that I could count on to play with my boys and also set aside some time to nurture myself.

I am lucky enough to get to practice criminal defense with my father, Jeff Stein. One of the great joys of our professional careers is getting to brainstorm with one another about our cases.

While I learned many wonderful things from my father, he did not teach me about having healthy boundaries with work. For as long as I can remember, he worked all hours, all days of the week. So, when he would call me on a Sunday to brainstorm about a new case, I would get to gently remind him that I did not do casework on Sundays—and could we talk about this tomorrow? It took some training, but eventually my father learned that holding that boundary was important to me and he learned to call me on Facetime with his grandsons on Sunday and to save the case brainstorming for the other days of the week.

Creating a Daily Self-Care Routine

When I first stopped working on Sundays, I felt pressure to get seven days of work done in the remaining six days I was leaving available for work. To increase my efficiency, effectiveness, and productivity, I knew that I wanted to take additional steps to enhance my energy so that I could optimize each workday.

So, to help take better care of myself and to enhance my energy, I decided that every morning before work I would follow a morning routine. It has evolved over the years. I give myself the flexibility to revise it at any time. I’ll share my current morning routine with you.

Start Your Day With a Kind Message to Yourself: Mantra

You can set the tone for your day by speaking kind words to yourself.

Just as I begin to realize that I’m awake each day, I tell myself something uplifting. What I decide to say also changes depending on what I need to hear. Currently, my mantra is: I am happy, I am healthy, and today I get to help people.

Be In Gratitude

You can practice gratitude daily.

After saying my mantra, I tap into my heart and I ask myself what am I grateful for in this moment? Then, I say whatever comes to my mind. This morning I felt grateful that my body is strong and healthy and allowed me to play a 30-minute game of freeze tag with my boys after dinner last night.

Spend Time In Your Body: Exercise

You can give your mind a break by spending time in your body.

Although someday I think I may do longer morning workouts, my go-to exercise every weekday morning is 30 minutes or less. My favorite and the one that I go back to consistently is Shaun T’s Insanity Max 30 (which is a 30-minute version of the original longer Insanity program). However, I do take breaks from Insanity and try other Beach Body On Demand workouts. The one I’m currently enjoying is called Morning Meltdown. I paid about $100 for an annual membership for Beach Body On Demand and it fits perfectly into my life. Before I had kids, I enjoyed going to the gym and to yoga studios. It was not only for the exercise but it was also a fun social outlet. However, since having children and having more time constraints, being able to exercise at my home in the early morning hours before my children are even awake has been the perfect fit for me.

Spend Time In Silence: Meditation

You can give yourself the gift of silence even if it is just for a few minutes.

Although I’ve sometimes set aside more time for meditation, currently I just commit to five minutes a day. I usually meditate right after I finish my exercise. I’ve used various apps to find guided meditations. The one I’m currently enjoying is called Insight Timer. I just downloaded it from the Apple app store and it’s free.

Connect With Your Loved Ones

There’s a benefit of having daily connection time with your loved ones. It recharges you. It recharges them. You can build it into your daily self-care routine.

When it was time to stop breastfeeding my youngest son, Cameron, I felt this deep sense of loss. I realized when I allowed myself to explore that feeling, that I treasured the snuggles inherent in the breastfeeding experience. So, when I knew that breastfeeding was coming to an end but realized that what I was really sad to miss was the snuggling, I recognized that the morning snuggling did not need to end. Cameron is now 4 years old and he is still a mega snuggler. For as long as he is interested in snuggling with me, I will hold him in my arms and start the day with snuggles. It’s a gift I don’t take for granted. Jackson, who is 7 now, is happy with a morning hug but Jackson usually has other things he’d like to do besides snuggle. I’ll take my morning snuggles with Cameron and a hug with Jackson for as long as the boys are up for it. Morning snuggles/hugs are one of my favorite parts of my morning routine.

Then, I get ready for work, and start working. I used to leave my house to head to the office, but given COVID-19, most days now I head to my home office. This morning routine is how I take care of myself every day and how I start my day by filling up my cup so that during the day I can pour my energy into my clients and their cases.

Then, when my work is done, I can pour my energy into my sons.

When work challenges come up during the day, I know that I am better able to take them on because doing this morning routine elevated my mood and my energy. I’m happier and I’m more productive than I was before I became consistent with this morning routine. Taking care of myself in this way is a habit that has actually become remarkably easy to maintain. I crave my morning routine and I know my day will not be as good without it, so I stick to it.

Now, in addition to typically not working on Sundays, I generally don’t work on Saturdays either. If I do need to work on the weekend, I can usually squeeze it into the early morning, late evening or during the time when we let the boys watch TV. In this way, I know that my weekends are reserved primarily for connecting with my sons.

One might think my work would suffer having developed these boundaries, but I’ve found the opposite to be true. I’m more efficient, more productive, and I am taking care of my clients better now that I have healthy boundaries around my work. My commitment to the morning routine also helps me stay more focused during work hours and able to navigate an ever-evolving criminal law practice, while being there for my sons, and also being there for myself.

If you’ve struggled with having healthy boundaries with your work the way that I have, I hope that you will consider what steps you can take to develop the boundaries you need to prioritize your wellness and what matters most to you in your life. You can start by looking at your life and being honest about what is and isn’t working for you.

• Is there a boundary with your work that you know you need to set?

• What is that boundary?

• What steps can you take right now to set that boundary?

• Will you give yourself the gift of developing your own nourishing daily self-care routine?

• Given the other commitments you have, where in your day, can you carve out time for this new daily self-care routine?

Start small. Saying a morning mantra or focusing on gratitude when you first wake up can be done in less than two minutes. Maybe start there, and as you make space for more, add in other new components to your ideal morning routine that will help you start off your day feeling nourished, energized, and excited about getting to fill up the cups of your clients because your own cup is already full.

I fully believe that when we are taking care of ourselves, our families, and those we love, it’s from that space that we contribute most meaningfully to the world and to the lives of our clients.