Carve Out Time for Joy

When I hear music, my body naturally responds with movement. It’s instinctual. It’s messy. On occasion, I’ve even been known to kick and spin in ways that can sometimes pose a danger to those in close proximity because I’m just so into my personal experience that I can lose awareness of what’s going on around me.

Instead, I’m fully aware of the joy that is bubbling up inside of me. I sink into the moment, and the thoughts that were otherwise occupying my mind evaporate. I enjoy every step. I enjoy just being present with myself. My happiness and sense of peace are not conditioned on anything. There is nothing that must first occur for me to allow myself to feel joy. I just feel complete joy when I’m dancing.

I’ve come to realize that when I sink into being fully present in my joy, beautiful opportunities arise. Twenty years ago, I was out dancing at a local dance club when I noticed a man inviting me to dance with him. I believe that I was open to seeing him, to meeting him, and to connecting with him because I was present. I was feeling my own joy. He was feeling his own joy.

Together, we created even more joy. This magical night reinforced my love of dancing. This man, my husband Jason Conaway, and I have been dancing together (although not as frequently as we would both like) for the past 20 years. My decision to allow myself to go dancing that night led me to find a generous and loving life partner and wonderful father for our two children. I believe that life is beautiful and that it becomes even more beautiful when we allow ourselves to be present in our joy.

Even though I know that dancing quickly sparks these feelings of pure and unconditional joy in me, I still find that long periods of time pass where I haven’t been dancing.

Why is that?

When it comes to our lives outside of work, some of us—me included—are experts in delayed gratification, and some of us delay for so long and with such frequency that we deny ourselves gratification and joy altogether. Many of the same skills and habits that have helped get us get this far in our careers are the same practices that, if left unchecked, can steal our joy.

As a child, I remember that I needed to finish my homework before I could go out and play after school. I don’t remember thinking that there was anything wrong with this rule. It made total sense to me. Get your work done and then when the work is done, you can play. I’ve conditioned myself to believe in living a life guided by the principle of delayed gratification.

This belief system in many ways has served me well. I knew going into studying for the bar exam after finishing law school that I could count on myself to study for long periods of time, every day until I took the exam. I knew going into the exam that I was prepared; I set myself up to optimize the chance of passing the test the first time. And I passed. I apply this same dedication to preparing my clients’ cases for court in my law practice as a criminal defense attorney.

However, practicing delayed gratification in this way can also lead to missing out on opportunities for joy. It’s easy for me to just keep working. If I finish one work task, there is always another one waiting in the queue. For a long time, I’ve held the belief that until I finish all of the work, I don’t deserve to rest and I don’t deserve to play. I know this belief system is at the root of my workaholic tendencies. My guess is that I’m not alone in this.

As lawyers our success, our ability to focus, buckle down and put in the work is how we continue to meet the deadlines and deliver on the commitments we’ve made. We work very hard and take on hefty responsibilities where the quality of the work we produce can have serious consequences for our clients.

We take pride in being someone who can be counted on to not only deliver but to deliver well. However, if we are not vigilant about self-care, the demands that flow from this responsibility can threaten our well-being.

In my experience, when I start feeling overwhelmed or unwell, it’s usually a sign that I’ve been flexing my delayed gratification muscle too much.

Do you feel like you can’t truly rest until all the work is done?

Do you feel like you can’t play until all the work is done?

Do you have work spinning around in your mind when you are in a place where you are not at work and you want to be fully present and engaged?

We all have activities that we really love. Engaging in one of these activities is one of the best ways I’ve been able to give my delayed gratification muscle the break it really needs. These are the activities that once we are completely engaged in them, it’s actually really easy to just have fun. For me, one of those activities is dance.

Before I realized that I needed to set aside time for dance, I first needed to identify what activities help me to sink into the present moment and really feel my joy.

What kind of activities help you sink into the present moment and really feel your joy?

Do you love talking to your partner without being interrupted by those amazingly inquisitive little people who live in your house? Have you intended to set up a regular date night, but somehow something else always pops up?

Have you always wanted to run a half marathon? Have you intended to join a running club to help you train for that half marathon but just haven’t made it to the first meet-up?

Do you love yoga? Have you been eyeing that four- day yoga retreat for the last three years but can’t bring yourself to put it in the calendar and pay the deposit for the trip?

Are you a lover of the outdoors? Have you been wanting to show your kids the beauty of the national parks but haven’t yet scheduled that amazing road trip?

I’d encourage you to consider the thing or things that spark joy within you and to be deliberate about including the practice of those activities in your life. It’s special to find an activity where you naturally sink into the present moment and let go of everything else. When you find that special activity for yourself, do it more often! You deserve to feel more joy!

So, it’s clear I love to dance. It’s clear that it generates immense joy for me when I dance. Yet, sometimes days and even weeks go by and I realize that I have not been dancing.

Why is this?

One reason is that I haven’t completely released the belief that I don’t deserve to play until the work is all done. I’m definitely still working on shifting that belief for myself. One way I remind myself that I do deserve to play and cultivate joy is to tell myself that I am enough just as I am. I do not have to achieve to a certain level before I am worthy
of feeling joy. I am deserving of rest, play and cultivating joy right here and right now—and just as I am.

Another reason that I don’t dance often is because I don’t have a consistent habit or practice of dancing.

So, that’s something I get to work on too.

We rely heavily on our calendars to write down our work deadlines and then work diligently until we complete the tasks required. It’s time we start calendaring more fun into our lives. It’s time to carve out time for joy.

Because I know that dancing brings me so much joy, and that I want to cultivate more joy in my life, I’m going to commit to dance a little bit every day. I don’t have to even go anywhere. I’ll put on one of my favorite songs and dance in my living room or kitchen. If I can apply my self-discipline to my professional life, then I can also apply it to help me create more joy in my daily life.

Wayne Dyer says, “When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a place on the floor. It’s to enjoy every step along the way.” I want to enjoy more of the steps along the way in my life, and since dancing makes me happy, I get to allow myself to dance more often.

There are ways to include more joy in your life that won’t completely disrupt your schedule or take you too far away from your responsibilities. You deserve to allow yourself some time to figure out what your joy-triggering activities are and also to put practicing those joy-triggering activities into your calendar.

Today, I’m committing to putting dancing into my calendar. On a daily basis, I will dance in the kitchen while we’re cleaning up after dinner. On a monthly basis, I will make sure that I have at least one scheduled time to go dancing somewhere else outside of my house.

Will you remind yourself that you are deserving of cultivating joy just as you are?

What activity triggers pure joy to bubble up inside of you?

Will you commit to spend more time engaged in that activity?

Will you calendar daily, weekly, or at least monthly dates where you know you will be engaging in this activity that triggers joy within you?

I fully believe that when we are taking care of ourselves, our families, and those we love, it’s from that space that we contribute most meaningfully to the world and to the lives of our clients. It’s a win-win.

Sparking joy in our lives isn’t a luxury, it’s a necessity. Look for ways you can make room for joy in your life.

It might be as easy as dancing a little bit every day in your kitchen.

This article was originally published in the San Luis Obispo Bar Bulletin